Sorry to get your hopes up, but this ain’t happening. Eating
sugarcane in public is worse than eating saucy spaghetti, barbeque ribs, and
corn on the cob at the same time.
First, you have to strip the bark of the cane. This requires
teeth stronger than a bottle opener and only advisable for anyone who hasn’t
had any frontal dental work. Garnering that might requires scrunching your
facial muscles so tightly, your eyes will disappear amidst all the strain.
Secondly, and this is my favorite part, you get to chew into
the sugarcane and get all the juice. But if you don’t chew and suck simultaneously,
sticky liquidly goodness will drip down the sides of your mouth. That’s definitely
not cute.
If you’re like me, and won’t let an ounce of that glorious
sugarcane juice go to waste, you’ll chew and suck the cane dry. Firewood dry. This
produces an incredible amount of trash that will scatter all across your body.
It’s like getting your hair cut without wearing a smock. You’ll be picking sugarcane
trash out of places you forgot you had. Word to the wise: don’t let the trash
accumulate. A pile of sugarcane trash on top of your chest (or on your lap,
depending on your cup size) is definitely not cute.
And finally, if you aren’t walking and eating at the same
time and find yourself without a pit or a plastic bucket to toss the remains,
all the dry bits will collect in your other hand. The combination of dried
sugar and saliva only spells one thing. GROSS. No one will want to touch you.
You will not want to touch anyone. But you’ll hold it in your hand like a badge
of honor. This means you’ve conquered the sugarcane. Congratulations!
One option for looking cute while eating sugarcane is to eat
it alone. Who wants to do that? Your best bet is to pull up a stool, stoop,
chair, lap or spot in the grass, nestled up next to your friends, grab a
sugarcane stick and go to work without a care in the world. Truth is, nobody
looks cute eating sugarcane. You’re not supposed to. What you’re supposed to do
while eating sugarcane is enjoy it and trust that what you are experiencing is truly
something special.
Jodi-Ann B.
Balaka, Malawi
July 2014
